INTIMACY IN RELATIONSHIPS

 

 

1.      Self-Esteem vs Self-Worship

2.      Breaking Habit Patterns

3.      Love vs Lust

4.      Identity in Christ

 

 

SELF-ESTEEM vs SELF-WORSHIP

 

“My soul magnifies the greatness of the Lord: My spirit rejoices in God my Savior.”

                                                                                                                  Luke 1:46

 

      Unlike Mary, the Mother of Jesus, whose soul perfectly radiated the glory of God, the world teaches us to proclaim our own greatness, to seek our own glory.  Much of what the world calls self-esteem is actually self-worship.  Many of us have been deceived into believing that the cause of our unhappiness is low self-esteem.  Therapy promises to teach us how to love ourselves, to be confident and successful and all our needs and desires will be obtained.  The world leaves God out of your life.

 

The World Says:                                         The Word Says:

 

1.  Love yourself                                     Leviticus 19:18

 

2.  Possessions will bring                        Joshua 1:8

      success and fulfillment.

 

3.  Put yourself first, meet your              Mark 9:35    Psalm 37:4

      own needs and desires

 

4.  You are in control of                          Matthew 6:25-34

      your life.

 

 

      In His wisdom, God created in you a longing to be loved and accepted.  The world directs you inward.  You may try to satisfy this longing with achievement, education, money, power.  This path inevitably leads to dissatisfaction because the more you have, the more you need.  Sex, drugs, and alcohol may become a part of your life, but the loneliness will still be there.

      Adam and Eve sinned, therefore, they forfeited their intimate relationship with God, leaving an emptiness in their heart.  Since that time man has been seeking to fill that personal void.  God is the only answer!

     

      “God You are my God; early will I seek You; my soul thirsts for You; my

      flesh longs for You in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water.  So I

      have looked for You in the sanctuary, to see Your power and Your glory.

      Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You.

      Thus I will bless You, I will lift up my hands in Your name.  My soul shall

      be satisfied as with marrow and fatness.  And my mouth shall praise You

      with joyful lips.”                                                                  Psalm 63:1-5

 

 

 

You must put aside what the world says about self-esteem and learn how to love God and others.  This is the foundation of your Christian faith.  In loving God and others you will love yourself, you will feel good about who you are.

 

            “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ

            lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in

            the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

 

 

1.  How do you find life?     Matthew 10:38-39

 

 

 

 

 

2.  How do you become great?     Matthew 20:20-28

 

 

 

 

 

3.  How do you receive honor from the Father?     John 12:26

 

 

 

 

 

4.  What are you to put off?  What are you to put on?     Ephesians 4:17-24

 

 

 

 

 

5.  Who is our example?  What are we to become?     John 13:15-17

 

 

 

      Your old self is ruled by desire and self-interest.  In the end you are destroyed by your own attempts for fulfillment.  You need to die to self and be resurrected to a new life in Jesus.  You need to abide in Him and He will abide in you.  (John 15:1-4).  With Christ reigning in your mind, will, and heart, He will begin to live His life through you.

      God does not require you to hate yourself, but to acknowledge your sinfulness and your need for Jesus your Savior, who frees you from sin.  When the Almighty God created the Heavens and the Earth, He “saw that it was good.”  Man, a result of that work, was created in God’s own image.  To hate yourself is to hate God’s creation.

      It was once said that God loves you just as you are but He loves you so much that He will not leave you that way.  You must acknowledge your weaknesses, your limitations, and your failures, then fling yourself into the arms of His mercy and lovingkindness and be willing to be transformed into the likeness of Christ.

 

 

6.  What are we admonished to admit?     1 John 1:8-10

 

 

 

 

 

 

7.  What was Paul’s struggle?  Did he hate himself?     Romans 7:15-25

 

 

 

 

 

 

8.  What does Paul boast of?  Why does he boast?  What is the answer to his weakness?          How does he feel about himself?     II Corinthians 12:9-10

 

 

 

 

 

 

9.  Who is the source of Paul’s strength?     Philippians 4:13

 

 

 

BREAKING HABIT PATTERNS

 

      All of us have developed destructive emotional habit patterns that relate to the abortion experience.  For many, these patterns were present long before the abortion took place.  In fact, these patterns made it possible for us to choose abortion in the first place.  Ironically, the abortion experience aggravates these patterns as loss, guilt, and grief become a part of life.

      All of these actions are ultimately attempts to avoid feeling emotional pain, even when we are not consciously aware that the end result will be pain.  These habits cause bad relationships and the acceptance we are seeking is never found.

      For purposes here, we will focus on five patterns which seem common to women who have had abortions.  After reading through them decide which ones you have had and start taking steps to break that habit.

 

 

THE PERFORMER

 

Characteristic:              

 Tries to achieve perfection in all things in order to gain self    acceptance and to earn love and acceptance from people and from God.  Measures

self worth on the basis of failure or success. 

                                   

 

Possible Abortion  Connection:        

Views abortion as a failure to perform, resulting in guilt and

self-hatred.  Believes no one can or will love a failure.

 

 

Experience:  

Never feels satisfied, is imprisoned by her need to perform.

Gives in order to receive approval, has unrealistic expectations

 of others.  Unable to full receive love and mercy from God. 

 

First Steps:

Learn who you are in Christ Jesus and who He is in you.

 Believe in your new identity.

 Love and give to others for God’s sake, not your own.

 Repent from performing, ask God to help you be yourself.

 

 

THE DOORMAT

 

Characteristics:         

Thinks passivity will change the abuser.

Believes she may deserve the abuse.

Believes accepting abuse is a duty.

Is attracted to abusive people.

 

Possible Abortion Connection:

May have been forced to abort.  May have felt abuser would want her to abort.

Incapable of positive relationship because of denied mother/child bond.

Guilt perpetuates abusive relationships.

Experience:

Blames herself for everything.  Takes responsibility for abuser.

Severely neglects care of self.  Confused when attempts of love are met with abuse.

 

First Steps:

 

Learn who you are in Christ and who He is in you.  Believe in your new identity.

Realizing that love can mean “NO” because abuse is sin

and should not be allowed.  Repent.

 

 

 

THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR

 

 

Characteristic:

Tries to achieve happiness by maintaining complete control.

Tries to achieve self-worth by the ability to control.Is fearful but exhibits anger when not in control.

 

Possible Abortion Connection:

Pregnancy perceived as an outside intrusion beyond her control.  Decision to abort is an attempt to regain control.  May keep pregnancy and abortion a secret.

Angered at not controlling emotions after abortion.

 

 

                                   

 

Experience:

 

Regaining control becomes a never ending battle.  Avoids emotionally threatening situations.  Denies feelings of fear, uncertainty, insecurity.  Manipulates people to overcome these feelings.

 

 

First Steps:                

Surrender your will to God and repent for controlling.  Believe God is active in every area of your life and knows what is best.  Cooperate with God’s grace and take advantage of His power.

 

 

 

 

THE IN-DECIDER

Characteristics:

Feels powerless to make positive, life-giving decisions.  Fears the process of decision making.  Inordinate desire for certainty.  Distrusts own ability to decide.

 

Possible Abortion Connection

May have been forced to abort.

Fears future decisions because abortion was bad.

May have many abortions.

Can blame others for bad experience.

 

Experience:

Leaves decision making to others.

Appears wishy-washy and inconsistent.

Is a follower, not a leader.

Shys away from trying anything new.

 

First Steps:

 

Build confidence by experiencing good decisions made by prayer.

Trust God to bless those who follow in His ways.

Repent from letting others rule your life instead of God.

Repent from blaming others for bad choices.

 

 

OBLIVION

 

Characteristic:

Seeks to escape by going into isolation when experiencing stressful events and painful emotions.  Refuses to think about past hurt.

 

Possible abortion connection

Unable to express the deep emotional consequences of abortion.

Does not understand her feelings.

Fears and therefore hides from consequences of abortion decision.

 

 

 

Experience:               

Desires to be drawn out, but unable to realize reasons for withdrawal. 

Unable to cooperate with any attempts of help.

Shrinks from commitment to people.

Emotional pressure builds and anger explodes into rage.

 

First Steps:

Pray for a commitment to God.  Share your feelings with Him.

Ask God to shut the door to oblivion.

Repent from withdrawing.

 

 

1.  Can you identify with any of these patterns?

 

 

 

 

2.  What other destructive patterns do you have?

 

 

 

 

3.  Is it hard for you to take steps to change?

 

 

 

 

4.  Are there other steps that you might take?

 

 

Change is a process, a lifetime of daily surrendering to God.  You first have to see there is a problem, then you need to desire to change.  In order to change your behavior, you must first change your attitudes, the way in which you think.  You need to thirst after righteousness, God’s way of thinking.  Yielding to the Word of God will help you.

 

 

 

1.  What should you do?  Who then, will you be?  What will you know?  What will you be?     John 8:31-32

 

 

 

 

 

2.  What does it take to change your mind?     Romans 12:1-2

 

 

 

 

 

3.  Who will guide you?  What will He tell you?     John 16:13

 

 

 

 

 

4.  What are you to meditate on?     Philippians 4:8

 

 

 

 

 

5.  What are you to put into captivity?     II Corinthians 10:4-5

 

 

 

 

 

6.  What are you to live by?     Habakkuk 2:4,  II Corinthians 5:7

 

 

 

LOVE vs LUST

 

      We experience the fullness of love when we experience the move of God in our lives and when we dwell in His presence.  Standing before Him, broken in our vulnerability, we receive His love poured out like water upon us.  As rain renews the dry, cracked earth, so our Lord’s love renews us.  It cleanses, refreshes, and invigorates our spirit.

 

            We usually associate sex with the word lust, but the spirit of lust far exceeds the realm of sexual relationships.  Lust can be manifested in any relationship, in any pursuit, or any attachment.  For our purposes here, we will focus on lust in the context of sexual relationships, remembering that the nature of lust is essentially the same in any circumstance.

 

      Man was created in the image of God, but sin mars this image and corrupts the beauty of God’s truth and goodness.  Sin is not in eating, but in ‘gluttony.’  Sin is not in the seeking of economic security, but in ‘greed.’  Sin is not in rest but in ‘laziness.’  Therefore sin is not in love but in ‘lust.’  Sin is always the perversion of what is good.  Both love and lust have power.

 

THE POWER OF LIFE                                      THE POWER  OF DEATH

LOVE                                                                                      LUST

 

Liberates                                                                               Enslaves

 

 

Sacrifices                                                                               Consumes

 

 

Creates                                                                                 Destroys              

 

 

Satisfies                                                                                Craves

 

 

Strengthens                                                                          Weakens

 

 

Sustains                                                                                 Exhausts

 

 

Surrenders                                                                            Possesses

 

 

Heals                                                                                    Wounds

 

 

Many of us, in our search for love, experienced the power of lust in relationships rather than the power of love, birthed by the Spirit of God.  We could not discern the difference.  Lust used flattery to appeal to the vulnerable areas of our hearts, to our desire to be desired, to our need to feel wanted.  Lust manipulates, binds, and paralyzes our spirit.  When we experience lust from another person we feel controlled, for in lust there is the thrill of winning.  We are an object to be possessed.

 

      But once we taste the sweetness of God’s love, our hunger for love will never be satisfied by the promises of lust.  The more we experience this presence of God’s love, the better we discern the Spirit of love from the spirit of lust.  When we learn of God, we learn of love.  No longer will lust hide behind the darkness of seductive flattery.

 

Read Proverbs 7.  (This proverb describes an adultress, and therefore is an allegory of lust.)

 

1.  How does lust deceive your heart?

 

 

 

 

2.  What relationships, past or present, were of lust instead of love?

 

 

 

 

3.  How did they begin?

 

 

 

 

4.  What drew you into the relationship?

 

 

 

 

5.  How did you feel during the relationship?

 

 

 

 

6.  How did the relationship end?

 

You may have been the one that had lust for another.  You may have learned to manipulate and flatter others to fulfill your needs.  You may have enjoyed the power you seemed to have had over the emotions of others and the excitement of the chase.  But the more you indulge in lust the greater your loneliness will become.

 

7.  Was this a part of your past?

 

 

 

8.  Are present relationships built on love or lust?

 

 

 

9.  If you want to be free from lust, do the following:     James 1:12-18